One of the things that my wife and I have been talking about recently are our boundaries between the work that I do and the time that I spend with my family. Most people, couples, and even teams/organizations set schedules to help provide clarity about roles, responsibilities, and the time allotted to each but that’s never worked for us.
Boundaries, on the other hand, are incredible. It might seem like there’s just a small difference between a schedule and a boundary but it’s significant when my wife and I have examined it and it’s made all the difference, especially in terms of how both of us are made and the personalities that we have (I’m a 5151 Creative Designer and she’s a 4333 Charger).
We both don’t work exceptionally well with scheduling, especially me as my schedule changes up constantly. In fact, I purposely create different schedules so as to keep my attention as well as motivate me to complete projects and work best in my flow. As strange as this may sound, my strategy is somewhat centered around loosely organized chaos, and it has worked for me as long as I can remember.
Ultimately Sue and I land on the question of time – and the right time boundary and limit for the success that I want to see in my marriage, in my relationships, and in my two startups, 8BIT and Action & Influence. Naturally, we discussed a number of different models and I started to jot them down, as you can see in the above taken my from Action Journal.
1. More Time = More Success
The first model of success suggests that the more time you invest in a project or business (i.e. long hours) the greater success you will achieve. This is a creation of modern society and the outcause of moving from the industrial age and maintaining certain laws of productivity that we once thought were immutable.
This, we know, has been challenged and proven to be a false construct – but many of us still believe it and more than that we live and breathe it.
2. Same Time = Same Success
This model suggests that the same amount of time will generate the same amount of success. It’s kind of like the distant cousin to the first in that it’s no longer about trading time for dollars and success but that you need to systematize productivity and “raise” the standard via tools and technology.
All outcomes are the same in the end but on various fields of play. The more successful are just at a scale higher. It’s also a false construct and the holes in this model are numerous.
3. Less Time = More Success
This is like the new-age-ish concept a’la the 4hr work week type mentality that’s been created via technology and newer thoughts on communication and productivity. It’s a hyper-construct of “work smarter, not harder” and yet it fails so badly on so many different levels. It’s far too contextual to tools, systems, and personality to hold much water for most people.
In fact, just ask yourself (especially if you’ve read Tim Ferris‘ book, who I respect and admire greatly, by the way) if you’ve ever met someone who was able to successfully digest, execute, and succeed in his (and many others) model? That’s right, not many – although you’ve probably talked to a ton of people who have read it and praise it for being super-awesome.
Funny how that works, right?
The Alternative
What my spouse and I have discovered is that instead of calculating hours per week to an exact figure we simply prioritize the things that are the most important to us – and we have daily conversations about how we’re doing. We trust to God the success that I may achieve and trust Him for the results, giving him the good work of my hands.
I work hard, just like you do, but I don’t exhaust myself. I focus my efforts and waste little time on the things that I’m not naturally gifted in – things like Action & Influence are crucial for understanding these things (and even my startup teams). And I talk with my spouse and my partners about my priorities, time commitments, and efforts daily. I review, iterate, improve, and execute.
My wife and I have been doing this for so long now that it’s like breathing but a starting point for us was Andy Stanley’s book When Work and Family Collide, where he shares that he and his wife committed to building an organization on 45 hours per week – and that being the “success” that they were ok with achieving, giving them margin to invest in each other and for him to be an incredible husband and spouse.
My wife and I have done a very similar thing and we have an internal clock that we share that works – we know when we’ve both worked too much and we’re hyper-sensitive too it, mostly because I’ve tended to ignore that clock historically (I really love what I do and love to work).
There is no model of time and success that’s going to work flawlessly for you. You have to figure it out on your own and work with great people to help it make sense. Besides, success was never about the amount of time you spend doing something anyways, right?
[This is part of the Escaping the 9-5: My Road to ProBlogging series.]
Great point about the difference between a schedule and a boundary. In my current situation, I too have had to establish boundaries as a way to know when to stop or move on to something. With the coming of our first child, I’m sure I’ll be learning quite a few more lessons in this. Do you highly recommend Andy Stanley’s book When Work and Family Collide as a source to better equip and help a couple who are looking for guidance in balance life together?
YES. i had my startup teams read it as well!
This is such a huge struggle. Unlimited earning potential vs. Unlimited family time
both of which aren’t really unlimited…
Less Time = More Success is more interesting
Managing the time properly is the key to success !!
that’s true. see if you can get that to work…!
This reminds me of an article I read earlier this year – The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. “I wish I had worked longer hours” is not on the list. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying
Btw, I’ve wondered if When Work and Family Collide is a rebrand of Choosing to Cheat. Sounds like it. Andy’s story of obedience in light of his faith, thereby choosing his family over his work is amazing, esp. considering they were in the crucial phases of launch. My favorite quote from that book: “You never have to sacrifice the principles of God to retain the blessings of God.”
it is a rebrand. explicitly so.
John -
Great topic! The balance of time between work and family is near and dear to many (myself included). The first time I heard my 9 yr. old son tell me I spent all my time in the house in one room (the home office), my heart sunk a little. This conversation took place while he and I were playing catch in the backyard.
i had this same thing happen with my daughter…!
The first thing you have to ask is what the definition of success is. Like the article Kevin mentions, what story do you want to be able to tell when you look back on your life?
We all say that we want our marriages, kids and personal lives to have been a priority and filled with rich memories. The question is if that is really what you want. Not what sounds good – what you really want.
Here’s a test. Look at the last 6 months of your life. Whatever you say “success” is in your life – is there a trail of evidence that it is happening for you? I’m not talking about reaching some point called success, but seeing patterns of hitting benchmarks and making progress in creating your vision of a successful past. (Yes, I said that right.)
If you’re not seeing these patterns and benchmarks being reached regularly, I think your lying to yourself. Either about your real definition of success or about your ability to reach that “success.” Maybe you need to get your priorities straight and reading a book like the one John mentions is great. Maybe you need some assessment and coaching like what you can get through ChairCo (I did this).
The unexamined life isn’t worth living. (Socrates I think…)
take a look at your checkbook.. that’s what i ask people…
Where you spend time and money. Absolutely.
Great Point Noel, A look back at the last 6 months is a great idea, maybe even longer. Though the balancing act may always fluctuate in one’s life between Work and family, you should be able to look back and see deposits of success in all of the areas of your life.
If you are not making deposits of success in the various aspects of your life, then you probably are seriously lacking in certain areas. And just like how an unbalanced wheel doesn’t roll very smoothly, an unbalanced life is just like the same thing.
The phrase “deposits of success” is a very cool way to say it. Makes me think of how your life is like a bank account (I’ve heard that analogy with trust too). All about balance and filling up to be able to take out and spend. Would be a cool post titled “Deposits of Success.” Wish I would have come up with that phrase!
i like that too!
HaHa don’t worry I don’t think I came up with it first.
This struggle you detail is one my husband and I have gone through as well. And, after almost 19 years of marriage (plus 6 years of dating before getting married), we have finally found a pretty good balance doing much of what you talked about. So, what I’m trying to say, is that it works. BUT, it takes deliberate and intentional effort, which you also pretty much say. We do this both as a team, helping each other stay balanced, and as individuals, working on our own unique paths for growth. One book that really helped me was “The Overload Syndrome” by Dr. Swenson. He has several books that all give lots of suggestion for creating and maintaining margin in your life.
will have to check it out! thanks kari!
“Loosely organized chaos…”, I can relate to that. Balance is not something that comes naturally as I can put my head down and work for 12 hours straight without batting an eye. I really have to monitor myself and prioritize is the key word.
BTW… I love these charts of yours lol…
thanks dustin! i work really really really hard on them.
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